My sister has seizures; she has epilepsy. As a kid, epilepsy
was just a word, something she had to battle, at that point I never saw it as a
battle though. It was something she was dealing with, something wrong with her
that, well, I could check of my list of what wasn’t wrong with myself. I grew
up seeing several of her seizures, but they never affected me, I barely
remember seeing them. Again, it was something that happened only to her;
epilepsy was a condition that seemed like didn’t make her any different. I
could always count on waking her up at nine in the morning during the summer to
come downstairs with me, being to scared to face the hidden dangers of the
living room alone. She was always upstairs, listening to nineties music,
dreaming of her future as a beautiful bride and a loving mother, singing her
cares away. I could count on her looking great for prom, experiencing her first
heartbreak, and still managing to get on my nerves, never able to bike ride or
play video games when I wanted.
This past week she stayed in our house while her husband was
out of town, and she had a seizure, one cushion down from me on the couch. She
was with us, her family, she was safe, but in that moment our family came
crashing down. Suddenly something wasn’t right with one of us, and it seemed to
occur to every one of us at the same time. My sister suddenly wasn’t my sister,
she was seizing, and she wasn’t there. I still don’t understand how for a
moment, she escapes from her body, leaving my family in turmoil and heartache.
We all know what’s happening, everyone knows she safe in our arms, but watching
my sister in uncontrollable danger still makes us cringe. Days later and I
continue to replay that single minute in my head. Days later and I am still
worried about it happening again. Days later and I can’t seem to let it go.
This happens to her too often at this point in her life. She has no control
over it, yet it could completely alter her entire future, all of her plans.
There’s something about losing control that makes me want to
just be done with this world. Down here its nice to know what’s going on, where
I’m going in life, and always knowing what’s going to happen next. As my sister
rolls out of bed in the morning, she thinks about the dangers of having another
seizure, as I roll out of bed, I think about my schedule, and pray it goes the
way I have so perfectly planned. My sister doesn’t know if she can have a child
in her future, with the rate she’s going that might not be an option. The
biggest worry I encounter is what gas station to go to get the best deal. I’ve
made my life something to control, something only I have the remote to.
Starting this year, however, I am relinquishing control. It
seems so draining to worry about what’s going to happen in my life this year. I
look at the future, and I can’t help but wait for hard times. It’s like I
expect the worst, while being blessed with the best. I see people around me
being stricken with life altering sicknesses, I see people around me without a
future, taking breaks from life to pursue the world. So it seems like this year
is going to be a toughie, but is this how God wants me to see the future. Did
God create a masterful plan for my future, only to allow me to worry about
where He’s taking me in the present? I don’t know what this year will bring,
and that is incredibly terrifying. I don’t know if I am where I am supposed to
be at school or if I will see it through until senior year. Will I come back
home to be close to my family, will I finally relinquish my own grip that I
have already clinched to my future? I sure can make an effort, to not worry… to
give it to God, and live the day for Him.
It’s hard to understand what that means until you make an
effort to do it. A Christian can tell another to live the day for Christ, and
bear your cross daily, but for most of us, that’s a cheesy saying we don’t put
much effort into understanding. For most of us living for Christ is something
we’ve got down, because things are going good in our lives. We’re only living
for Christ when we have no worries, nothing to ponder over, nothing much to
deal with. My sister lives for Christ when her future is caving in, and I have
realized now that that is living for Christ, when after the world has had
enough of us, thrown us to the garbage, and it seems like we don’t know the way
out… we pick up that cross, and we start fresh, and we live for Christ. This
year, I can have my ups, and I can be confused, and worries can coming crashing
in like waves during a hurricane… but it seems so much nicer, to look to the
horizon of the future, and know that every storm, every heartache, and every
sunny day has been mapped out to perfection just for us. That everyday, isn’t supposed
to be a meter for us to determine whether or not to live for Christ, but
rather, a roller coaster, that we ride, always knowing, always trusting, that
living for Christ, makes this life all worth the confusion.
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