Remember that first day of school, you know the first day of kindergarden when you were the underdog before stepping foot though those large wooden front doors with the netted glass, making you feel like you were walking into a prison? Before school started you may have seen your siblings go through the same thing, or heard your parents bracing you for what's to come. You always hoped that the big kids would like you. Justin, that huge fifth grader who looked like he could eat you in one bite, or Brittany, the fourth grader who always had something to make fun of you about. School is always filled with those pressures, those big kids who are going to make or break you in school. Get on their good side and your set; pick up their fallen napkin at lunch, and never forget to compliment their new Nikes. From the first day of school to thirteen years later in college, we idolize someone, someone who's been in our shoes who seems to know the key to success in life. In college it's those who've got everything figured out, those 4.0 kids who have found their way, made too many friends to count. The woman in your english class who can balance a chemistry equation and her social status. The Phd student whose job will make six figures in his near future. These people know where they're going, they have their life set out for themselves and the world is wrapped around their finger.
I've never felt like that. I don't belong here. Something about this place doesn't scream you have got it all figured out, this world was made for you. At college I'm an alien in unchartered territory, not part of the local fraternity with those rad parties on friday nights. I can't seem to get myself together in this world, because I wasn't made for this world.
One of my friends told me the other day how she chased her roommate for over a mile in the middle of the night, her roommate drunk out of her mind. Seeing people walk back from the local hookah bar somehow breaks my heart, it doesn't scream you know you're supposed to do it, it's just a part of college. Is that really what's it all about here, getting wasted on Fridays, experimenting with drugs I've never even heard of. Am i supposed to know what kind of drug they're on, am I supposed to know how to roll a joint and memorize the perfect talk to get the ladies to do what I want them to? Is cussing really just a part of the lifestyle here? From my experience here, the answer is yes... there's an expectation when it comes to college, to be the world, embrace the world.... because hey, you only have four years to act like a fool before you have to get a job.
But like I said, I can't seem to get it together, I can't seem to enjoy this world like everyone else can. How come the big kids can have it all together down here while I'm stuck doing homework and watching movies on my Friday nights? I've come to realize I feel this way because I, like I said, am an alien in this world. I am already someone who doesn't enjoy taking advantage of girls and "huffing"(whatever that is.)
What if these four years were meant for something better, what if I take these days I have here and use them doing something that I'm not supposed to. I want to be the rebel who does the opposite of everyone else, because I have someone calling me to make a difference, I have someone that's pressuring me to take the days on earth to serve Him, not have sex more than the buddy who lives next door. My sister Cathy once told me that God doesn't always take us down the expected path, this I have also come to terms with.. It seems like no matter where I go in this world, I'll find a way to feel like an alien, but if I keep serving the perfect God I have come to love, no matter where I go, I can hold my head up high like the big kids, because I'll be there for my own reason, just not one known by the world.
So I think I have found my place here, I know I have a purpose, so I guess I'm like the big kids. I'm only serving someone they aren't. It's okay, some of them will like me and others will treat me like an alien, but hey, it's okay, I've come to terms with being an outsider.
I've been wondering is we start singing'
Could we stand our ground
And through everything we've learned
We've finally called to terms
We are the outsiders
-Needtobreathe (you should give them a listen)
i. love. you.
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